Illogical
by Autumn-is-beautiful
Summary: Neji breaks Tenten's heart, and the kunoichi of Konoha decide it's time to take him down a notch and give him what he deserves. Neji doesn't realize what he's done wrong. His reasoning was perfectly logical, but the her reaction was anything but logical.
1. heartbreak

Disclaimer: I am not Masashi Kishimoto. I do not own Naruto.

* * *

Neji's point of view:

When the sun was peeking over the horizon a messenger found me in the kitchen. "When you have finished your breakfast, the council wishes to see you." I nodded, swallowing the last of my food and headed for the council chamber.

All of the council was already assembled and seated on the floor around a wide, but short table. I bowed a few inches then seated myself in the space that they had consciously left for me. I waited for them to speak, knowing that they would soon inform me of their wishes. I was not kept waiting long. "The Hyuuga power is strong in you, though you are a member of the branch family." The eldest of the councilors began. I kept my features schooled into a polite but meaningless expression as I waited for him to continue. "It would be to the advantage of the Hyuuga clan if you were to pass on such a gift to the next generation in the future."

_Ah. That's what they want. Of course they would want me to make a contribution to the next generation. I am stronger than the main branch Hyuugas of comparable age. _"I will take your wishes into consideration." I calmly replied, though both the council and I knew that their "wishes" were nothing short of a command. _I will have to find a way to placate them._

"You would do well to take a girlfriend." The elder commanded.

"If that is all for this meeting I will excuse myself to commence thinking about a girlfriend." My tone was as polite as it always was, but I was subtly shifting the balance of power by excusing myself instead of waiting for them to dismiss me. Though it wasn't much, I preferred to remain as independent of them as was possible, even if that was very little at all considering the seal on my forehead. The lead elder frowned, but didn't challenge my dismissal.

* * *

I caught sight of a familiar form weaving its way through the crowded market. I put out my hand to gently touch the kunoichi on the shoulder, not feeling like trying to make myself heard over the chaos. Puzzled, she just looked at me, and I motioned her to follow me to a quieter part of town. When we could finally hear ourselves and each other she raised an eyebrow, demanding an explanation.

"Tenten." I paused, a little unsure of how best to broach the topic at hand.

She waited a moment, then impatiently interrupted my thoughts. "What is it Neji?"

"The council has been putting pressure on me."

She sighed. "What do they want _this_ time?"

"They wish me to think about settling down, about dating at the very least." I closely studied her reaction. Her eyes had widened, and her breathing and heart rate had increased. _Is she afraid?_ "Since you are one of the few females I am comfortable around outside of my family I thought that the best way to placate them would be for you to pretend to be my girlfriend until I find someone worth pursuing or a way to get around the council's demand."

Her face turned red in fury and I barely had a time to inhale to say something before her fist crashed into my stomach, driving me into the wall behind me and driving the air I had just taken in out of my lungs. I looked at her in utter confusion. _Wasn't my argument logical enough? And why was she mad at me? Maybe she just entered into a relationship with someone else and is mad at the thought of cheating on him? But I would have thought I would have heard if she was going out with someone. I ran into Ino earlier today. I'm sure she would have been loudly proclaiming the gossip if this was the case. Which means I am still no closer to figuring out why she punched me. _

All further thoughts were derailed as she slammed her knee into a very sensitive area. While I was doubled over, she nailed my sleeves and pant legs to the wall with kunai from her pouch. For good measure she tied my hair to another kunai that she stuck in the wall. When I could finally do something other than gasp in pain, she was gone, and a slight crowd had formed, and was expanding by the second. I guess it was not every day that people saw a Hyuuga nailed to the wall. _What did I do to make her this mad at me?_ I had never seen her this mad, except for the week when Lee tried to introduce the western custom of mistletoe, putting it everywhere he thought Tenten might possibly go and hounding her steps. I could understand why she was mad at Lee, but what had I done? Desperately I thought through my train of logic, but still couldn't think of a flaw in it. _What had made her so mad, and how was I going to get unstuck from the wall and escape the crowd?_

Tenten's point of view:

My heart had sped up when he started speaking. The council wanted him to date and he was talking to me. I had idiotically thought that he returned my interest and was asking me out. My heart was about to burst with happiness and then he ruthlessly slaughtered all hopes. His words still haunted me, echoing and reechoing in my mind endlessly. "To placate the council…pretend to be my girlfriend until I find someone worth pursuing…pretend to be my girlfriend until I find someone worth pursuing…pretend to be my girlfriend until I find someone worth pursuing." To him, I wasn't worth pursuing. I wanted to slam my head into a wall just to shut up that bastard's voice in my mind. Punching him, slamming my knee into his crotch and pinning him to the wall with kunai was cathartic, but not enough to override my rage and despair. Practically everyone knew that I was in love with that arrogant ice cube except the self-proclaimed prodigy himself. How could I ever face him again after he had torn my heart to shreds?

I was so absorbed in getting as far away from the bastard as fast as possible that I didn't notice or care about the people that I was bumping into and shoving past until one of them called my name. In a very shrill voice. Ino. Seeing the look on my face, she began guiding me to her house. Seated on her bed she demanded. "Who did this to you? I'll make them pay?" I just shook harder with sobs. "It was Neji, wasn't it?" Ino asked, well aware that he was the only one who could have had this effect on me. I just curled up in a ball on her bed, wanting to just disappear. Neji only wanted to use me to placate the council. He never really cared about me.

Ino gently held me while I poured out my soul to her. When I was done, her face was grim and determined. I would have been scared if I hadn't known that Neji was the one who was going to be on the receiving end of her wrath. "We need to get Sakura. It's going to take all of us to give that ice cube what he deserves. Don't worry Tenten, we'll make him pay."


	2. plans

Disclaimer: I own nothing except this crazy revenge scheme.

* * *

Tenten didn't show up for training the next day. Neji simply shrugged it off, slightly relieved that he wouldn't have to deal with her, seeing as he still hadn't figured out why she had overreacted so much. But Lee and Gai were worried. "What if our youthful flower is sick?"

"We should bring her get well flowers!"

"What a youthful idea!"

"If I can't get to the flower shop in 5 seconds I will hop on one foot around Konoha 500 times!"

"Yosh! Your youthful ideas amaze me!"

With that the maniacs of Team Guy sped off to torture someone else with their excitement and spandex.

Luckily for Tenten, she had stayed the night with Ino rather than going back to her house, where her door was being bombarded with knocks and much yelling about youthfulness.

When Tenten had awoken, she had tried to drown her sorrow with the music. The music thrummed in her ears, she relaxed into the throbbing beat. She tried concentrating on the lyrics to distract her.

"No more tears,  
No, 'cause nothing else matters  
I've been closing my eyes for too long.  
Only vengeance will make me feel better.  
There's no rest till I know that it's done."

At the words her lips curved up into a smile. "No more tears." She told herself. "Only vengeance will make me feel better." _That could work for me. It felt great to kick his ass last time. I bet it would feel good again._ Her eyes sprang open. Her voice was devoid of pity or sorrow as she called out to her friend. "Ino. Let's get him."

Ino grinned back at the rather sadistic grin on her normally friendly friend's face. _He's not going to know what hit him._

"First we need to find Sakura, but I have an idea already."

The three girls were readying their supplies at Tenten's house. Sleeping bags? Check. Vast quantities of chocolate? Check. A box of tissues just in case? Check. Popcorn and movies? Check. Everything they needed for a typical sleepover, with just a few extras for their diabolical plans for revenge. Ino smirked to herself as she entered Tenten's house. "I brought the goodies!" She cried to the other two. They eagerly peered in the bag, glee lighting their faces as they examined the contents.

"Okay, are we all set on the plan?"

"Yep. I'm first." Sakura announced, cracking her knuckles.

"I'm next." Ino grinned, still smirking and clutching the bag.

"Then we leave the note." Sakura continued.

"He'll probably hide after that, so we're going to need to some way to track him." Tenten mused. "Do you think that Hana (Inuzuka) would help us?"

"You bet she would. Just about any woman in this village would help after we explained it to them. We'll include her in our schemes after he flees, but to prepare for that inevitability, we need to steal some of Neji's clothes so she can have the scent." Inner Sakura was enjoying being in charge for once. "We'll make him pay!"

"I'd probably steal the clothes." Tenten put in. "The guards in the Hyuuga compound trust me."

"And if you only take one piece of clothing, they won't suspect you and you still have your one free pass to get into the Hyuuga compound and make mischief!"

"Okay, so after he runs, what should we hit him with?"

Ino had an evil look in her eyes. "We should recruit as many of the kunoichi to help us as possible."

"Hinata is out of the question."

Ino flapped a hand. "Of course. She's Neji's cousin, she's too sweet, and she's away on a two week mission. But I was thinking about Temari. She can be pretty scary."

"You know who's even scarier?"

"Who?"

"Anko. I bet we could bribe her with dango, and I'm sure she'd love to be in on a revenge plot."

Tenten had been looking back and forth between her friends, watching the plot get bigger and better, but she had one question "When do I get a crack at him?" she asked plaintively.

"Panda-chan, you'll get to deliver the final blow. Besides, you already struck the first blow. I was quite amusing to watch him trying to free himself from your kunai without ripping his clothes or ripping all his hair out." Ino suddenly froze. "His hair." She almost whispered. "I just had the best idea for it." When she whispered her idea to the other two, their grins mirrored her own. That was going to be a sight to see.

_Oh yeah. Vengeance will definitely make me feel better._ Tenten smirked.

* * *

A/n: I have a couple in mind already, but if anyone has ideas on what diabolical things I should subject Neji to, let me know.

Oh, and the lyrics are from "In the Middle of the Night" by Within Temptation.


	3. sakura's revenge

Disclaimer: I own diabolic revenge plots, but no characters from Naruto.

* * *

Sakura adjusted her hitai-ate as she stepped out of the door to Tenten's small house. Phase 1 of Get Neji Back begin, or was that Phase 2? She finally decided that what Tenten had already done to Neji counted as Phase 1. Okay, so Phase 2: Sakura's revenge. She headed for Team Guy's training grounds, knowing from what Tenten had told her that Neji should be finishing his training about now.

The long-haired boy was standing still in the middle of the clearing and Sakura approached, a slight look of concern on her face. "Neji?"

"Sakura." He inclined his head slightly towards her.

"Have you seen Tenten? I haven't seen her in two days and it's not like her to just disappear."

"I have not seen her in two days either."

"Do you have any idea what happened?"

"I do not know."

"I would have thought that she would at least have told you. She is closer to you than she is to anyone else."

"It is not surprising considering her anger towards me when I last saw her."

"Did you guys fight? What happened?" Sakura feigned surprise.

"The council requested that I take a girlfriend, so I asked her if she would pretend to be my girlfriend until I found someone who was worth pursuing. Her reaction was completely illogical."

Sakura stepped a little closer, still a concerned look on her face. Without warning, she poured chakra into her fist, sending him flying backwards while screaming "You asshole! How could you do that to her?" She stomped towards him, the ground cracking at her feet in her rage.

Neji quickly picked himself up, wincing and jumped backwards. "What exactly did I do?"

"How could you have asked that of her?" She screamed at him, hurtling towards her, chakra centered in her fist as she prepared for a second hit on him.

He ducked and as she headed for him again, he asked "What was wrong with my question? It was prefectly logical."

"So you don't even know why you're a scumbag? For a prodigy, you're pretty dumb." He dodged her fists once again, but she was expecting this and used to momentum of her fall to smash the ground even harder, sending Neji flying up and smashing back to the ground, landing on the bruise of her previous hit. She headed for him again and panicked, Neji gathered his chakra and performed a substitution as the enraged kunoichi howled "I'll find you!"

Neji stared at the trees he had appeared among. _What did I do? My reasoning is sound, but Sakura reacted just as illogically as Tenten did. It would be wise to avoid Sakura for a while, just like I presume Tenten is doing to me. Though even if she was still mad at me I would have thought that she would at least let Sakura know that she was alright. Hmm. Maybe she's just sick. But then she should have seen Sakura as well. Well, I've already established that she is illogical. It would just be best to avoid the both of them until they calm down and see the logic of the situation._ Neji winced as he attempted to sit up. _She sure packs a punch, but even though it hurts, I'd probably better move before she finds me._

Back at Tenten's House:

"I'm back!" Sakura called gleefully. "He's still clueless and unrepentant, so Ino it looks like you get your turn."

The blonde grinned, eyeing the iPod, speakers, lipstick and hot pink heels that she had brought. "This is going to be fun!"

Tenten was really looking forward to Ino's revenge. She had decided that the phrase "Don't get mad, get even" was her new motto.

"Hey I've got an idea for tonight, since we can't put Ino's plan into action yet." Sakura piped up. "We should draw pictures of Neji and burn them. You know you want to see him burn."

Tenten grinned. "Yeah I do, but not as much as I'm looking forward to Ino's revenge."

Sakura was right. Watching pictures of him burn while plotting his utter humiliation was cathartic. _Serves you right, you bastard. Prepare for utter humiliation, Ino style. And when I get my hands on you I'll do much worse. _

* * *

A/N: Sorry that the chapter is really short, but tomorrow will make up for it. If you couldn't tell, I'm really excited about Ino's revenge plan. And as before, I have a couple in mind already, but if anyone has ideas on what diabolical things I should subject Neji to, let me know.


	4. ino's revenge

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Everything belongs to Masashi Kishimoto

* * *

Ino and Sakura waited with Tenten for Neji to come. They knew that eventually the Hyuuga would come looking for his teammate. When she didn't show up for training for the fourth day in a row and no one had seen her, Neji approached her house quietly, hiding his slight nervousness under his normal ice cube façade. Ino's eyes narrowed in concentration. _That's right where I want him!_ As he raised his hand to knock on the door Ino raised her hands. "Mind Body Switch!"

Ino in Neji's body reached behind a large potted plant to pull out hot pink high-heeled shoes and bright pink lipstick. Quickly using both, she forced him grab the iPod sitting next to his now discarded Ninja sandals and head for the market. When he was into the commercial section, she made him put the speakers on the ground and hit play. Neji could only watch in horror as he **danced **in** hot pink high-heeled shoes **while wearing** lipstick **to that awful song.** In the middle of the crowded market.** And if that was not enough, she was making him **sing**. In a **falsetto**.

Hiya Barbie  
Hi Ken!  
You wanna go for a ride?  
Sure, Ken!  
Jump in!  
Ha ha ha ha

I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic  
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is your creation

Come on, Barbie, let's go party

I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic  
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is your creation

I'm a blonde single girl in the fantasy world  
Dress me up, make your time, I'm your dollie  
You're my doll, rock 'n' roll, feel the glamor and pain  
Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky

You can touch, you can play  
If you say I'm always yours, ooh ooh ooh

I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic  
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is your creation

Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ah ah ah, yeah  
Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh  
Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ah ah ah, yeah  
Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh

Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please  
I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees  
Come jump in, be my friend, let us do it again  
Hit the town, fool around, let's go party

You can touch, you can play  
If you say I'm always yours  
You can touch, you can play  
If you say I'm always yours

Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ah ah ah, yeah  
Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh  
Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ah ah ah, yeah  
Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh

I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic  
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is your creation

I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic  
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is your creation

Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ah ah ah, yeah  
Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh  
Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ah ah ah, yeah  
Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh

Oh, I'm having so much fun!  
Well, Barbie, we're just getting started  
Oh, I love you Ken!

Ino breathed a huge sigh of relief at the end of the song. _Damn that Hyuuga has a strong mind!_ She summoned the remainder of her chakra and disappeared in a puff of smoke before he caught up to her leaving behind only a note.

_Dear Neji,_

_You should be ashamed of yourself for what you did to Tenten. We are going to give what you deserve._

_Sincerely, the kunoichi of Konoha_

_PS: I hope you enjoyed being a Barbie_

The note and his experience as a Barbie under Ino's control had terrified the Hyuuga. _What did I do? And what are they planning to do to me? How many of the kunoichi are in on this, and which ones?_

* * *

A/N: I got the lyrics from a website called elyrics, but doc manager won't leave the full address in here.

And again, I have a couple in mind already, but if anyone has ideas on what diabolical things I should subject Neji to, pm me.


	5. hide?

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto

* * *

Neji knocked on the door of the Yamanaka house. The door was opened by Inoichi. "Where is your daughter?" demanded Neji.

Inoichi didn't answer the question. "You are mad at her for her stunt today." He stated.

"Yes. I need to ask her why she and apparently all the other kunoichi of Konoha are after me."

"All of the kunoichi?" Ino's father asked.

Wordlessly, Neji held out Ino's note.

_Dear Neji,_

_You should be ashamed of yourself for what you did to Tenten. We are going to give what you deserve._

_Sincerely, the kunoichi of Konoha_

_PS: I hope you enjoyed being a Barbie_

"I would suggest talking to your teammate to find out what you did."

"I'm sure she won't talk to me. Last time we spoke she attacked me and nailed me to the wall with kunai. Then when I went to her house to try to talk to her, your daughter ambushed me and turned me into a Barbie." His voice had steadily risen as he spoke, almost unheard of for the ice cube.

"In that case, I would suggest hiding for a while." Inoichi told him in all seriousness. "My daughter can be … stubborn. And she is very protective of her friends. Not to mention imaginative with her punishments."

Neji turned to leave without another word, but Inoichi stopped him with a hand on his arm. "You still have lipstick in the corner of your mouth. You might want to remove it before you go back out."

Neji glared at him, wiping the corner of his mouth and storming out, his aura murderous.

Every person Neji passed on the streets stopped to stare at him and smirk, snicker or point, and he was fed up. He stomped to Tenten's house, determined to put a stop to all this nonsense. He extended his finger to ring the doorbell, only to jump back as it exploded. An automated message played Tenten's words. "Neji, you had better take a hint from the contact explosives on the doorbell. I don't want to talk to you and I don't want you coming here again. I used a small enough amount this time not to hurt you, but next time I might not be so gentle. Now get off my porch before you set off something else unpleasant."

Neji stepped off the porch, but still stared at the door, Tenten's words echoing in his mind. _Why is she reacting so illogically to what I said? But I was right in what I told Inoichi: she definitely doesn't want to see me._ He was starting to seriously consider Inoichi's advice to hide until it all blew over. If the Barbie incident was just the first, he didn't want to know what they were planning to do to him next. And apparently, they weren't going to be logical if contact explosives on the doorbell were anything to go by.

* * *

"I'm not in a good mood right now, so I suggest you get the hell away from me you little punks," Mitarashi Anko called, tired, sore and in no mood for civil conversation. Instead of leaving, the kunoichi that had been approaching tossed something at her which smacked into the palm of her hand. By reflex, her hand closed around it. _Dango? At least they know how to deal with me._ She turned, a feral grin still on her face. "I promise I won't actually attack you, at least I won't if you have more dango than this."

Three kunoichi stepped forwards, Tenten at the point, Sakura and Ino behind her. "We have plenty of dango. We also have a proposition for you."

Anko held out her hand. "I'll listen as long as I have dango."

Tenten proceeded to hand out dango sticks, one at a time as she talked. "You know Neji Hyuuga?" Anko nodded, still chewing. "Well, I need to get him back, and we could use your help…"

* * *

"So, if Neji has gone into hiding like we figured, we're going to need a way to track him down." Sakura thought out loud,

"First things first." Tenten interrupted. "First we see if he actually has gone into hiding. If her has, then we recruit Hana Inuzuka to lead Anko to wherever he is hiding."

Ino shuddered. "the expression on Anko's face was scary. I know she likes tormenting people, but I really wanted to run and hide at her grin."

"Well, that's why we recruited her, right? She's perfect: easily bribed, creative and scary."

"We'd better get some more dango before she decides she wants to torment us instead."

"I'll second that. she scares the hell out of me."


	6. jounin's revenge

Disclaimer: I'm a college student, not Masashi Kishimoto. I do not own Naruto.

* * *

Neji looked at himself in the mirror. Or rather, he looked at the henge he had created. A young man with short-cropped dark hair and blue eyes (with pupils) looked back at him. _Now I just have to find somewhere to hide._

The landlord looked at the young man in the hallway in surprise. "You want to move in immediately?"

"Yes. My fiancé was cheating on me and I don't want to stay with her any longer than I have to." Neji improvised.

Even though Neji had cast a henge to make himself look different, his personality was still the same and the landlord found himself thinking _I'm not really surprised that she cheated on him. He gives off an air of money, but he's cold and probably about as romantic as a brick._ He handed Neji the key and the ninja slipped past him into the vacant apartment without another word.

Neji placed his pack in the center of the room and began to take out all his traps. He had hidden his chakra signature and disguised himself, but just in case…

* * *

Kaorimaru put his nose to the ground, growling excitedly as he picked up the scent he had been given. "He's found Neji's scent." Hana murmured to Anko.

"Let's get him!"

"You take too much pleasure in torturing people."

"You know I'm not the only one who wants to take those smug superior Hyuugas and make them beg for mercy. Besides, have you seen how much dango they're buying for me?"

"C'mon. He's this way. You got everything?"

Anko raised her bag with a maniacal grin and sped off after the Inuzuka jounin and her dog.

Anko almost snorted in derision at the traps that the Hyuuga had set. She shot Hana a look that clearly said "Does he honestly think that pathetic traps like these can stop two jounin?"

Hana arched an eyebrow and shrugged, communicating clearly "He didn't think that we would be the ones coming. Now get on with it." His traps weren't that bad, they were just textbook examples, no real creativity or thought put into them. _He probably thought no one could find him when he hid his chakra signature and cast a henge. Naïve boy. _

Anko looked at the last trap, one that would make noise when set off and smirked. _Why not show him up with his own traps?_ She released a senbon with dipped in a sedative as she stepped on the sensor, its shrill whistle covering the slight whoosh of the needle.

Neji sprang forwards from sleep at the sound, his momentum carrying him into the senbons even harder and it released its chemicals into his blood. His last sight before darkness overtook him was of Hana and Anko looking at him, a smug smile on the first, a sadistic smile on the latter. His eyes closed and he tried to prepare himself for the worst.

When Neji awoke, his head was fuzzy and felt like it had been stuffed with cotton balls. But he was sure that much worse had been done to him. He carefully examined himself mentally from head to toe. He could flex every muscle, move every joint, but his chakra was barely a trickle. _They must have given me a chakra suppressor._ Groaning, he hauled himself to his feet and dragged his aching body to the bathroom and the mirror. His henge was gone, but the young man who looked back at him was different. His hair had been cut to shoulder-length and was bright pink. It looked exactly like Sakura's. In addition, the words "I stupid" had been scrawled in permanent ink on both of his cheeks. His depleted chakra meant he couldn't cast a henge to hide his appearance. And he doubted either the hair dye or the marker was washable, but it was worth a try.

Two hours later, he stepped out of the shower, his hair still pink and words still clearly written on his face, despite his best efforts. Before he could flee once again, his door was opened enthusiastically by one of the last people he wanted to see. "Ah Neji! I have found you! Sakura has told me of your youthful training efforts! It is such a remarkable idea to appear like this to work on keeping your cool in embarrassing situations! I came to help you in your quest! You will get more training if more people see you, so I came to help you find the most populated areas of Konoha!" Lee loudly proclaimed. Neji protested, but his teammate was oblivious in his quest to help his teammate to achieve his youthful goal, and Neji had no chakra. He didn't even try Taijutsu. No one could beat Lee in that, except possibly Gai. He was doomed. _Utterly doomed._ He thought as he was dragged out the door. _What the hell did I do to deserve this?_


	7. clueless

Disclaimer: In case someone missed the last 6 disclaimers, I do not own Naruto, and I'm pretty sure I never will.

* * *

Shikamaru grunted in annoyance as a shadow fell over his face, disturbing his peaceful cloud watching. "I'm busy." He muttered.

"No you're not."

Shikamaru didn't bother to look at Neji. "Yes, I am. What do you want?"

"I need your help. Unless you can figure out why they're all mad at me, they're going to keep punishing me, and at this rate, they're going to kill me. You're supposed to be the genius. You figure out why all the kunoichi want me humiliated."

Shikamaru looked up, startled. He'd never heard Neji say that much at one time. And when he looked up, he promptly choked. When he could breathe again he asked dryly. "I take it that it wasn't you're idea to cut your hair and dye it pink. Or to write 'I stupid' on each cheek." The older male glared at him, the effect considerably lessened by his current appearance. Shikamaru sighed. "Tell me what happened. Start at the beginning."

Shikamaru figured out after a few sentences what Neji had done wrong, but he wanted to hear what the girls had done to him so he just kept his ideas to himself and nodded occasionally. _Damn. Those troublesome girls are creative. And vengeful. _Neji finished and looked at him expectantly. "Well, I know what you did wrong. You asked Tenten to be your pretend girlfriend."

"Why was that a problem? My argument was perfectly logical."

"Girls aren't rational. She flipped out because she loves you. She wanted to actually be your girlfriend, and she thought that was what you were going to ask. Instead you were trying to use her. Of course they all flipped out. Girls are very irrational when they have their hearts broken."

"She loves me?" Neji repeated, an incredulous look on his face.

"Yeah." The inflection in the younger ninja's voice implied that Neji was an idiot for not realizing this earlier. "You didn't know that?"

"I thought …" He trailed off.

"You had better apologize, and maybe bring bribes. Lots of them. Women can be troublesome."

"She loves me?" Neji asked for the second time.

"Yeah. I already _told_ you that."

"I asked her to be my pretend girlfriend because I thought she viewed me only as a teammate. I thought she would reject me if I asked her to be my actual girlfriend." Neji's voice had a disbelieving quality.

"Well, you had better tell her that, 'cause they're still out for your blood. Or your hair." Shikamaru added with a smirk. When Neji didn't answer or move the other added irritably "I don't care whether you tell her or not, it's your hell, but at least move so you're not blocking my view of the clouds."

Neji moved off, still looking like he was in a daze.

_Wow. I thought only Naruto could be that spectacularly clueless._

* * *

Tenten checked her scrolls one last time. They looked like her normal weapons scrolls, but these didn't have kunai, shuriken or any other typical weapons in them. What they did have was everything that she needed for her final strike. She slipped out of her house and headed for the Hyuuga compound, carefully controlling her breathing and heart rate as she approached the entrance. It would not do for the guards to sense something amiss. _Come on, Tenten. You can do this. You've been here a hundred times. This is nothing unusual. Just act natural._

The guard's eyes flicked to the kunoichi as she approached. He noticed that her heart rate and breathing were increased slightly, but thought nothing of it. Everyone knew that she was in love with Neji, so it was to be expected that she would be slightly nervous when coming to see him. He waved her past, and Tenten wanted to breathe a sigh of relief.

She approached Neji's rooms. _Let's start with his personal bathroom, shall we?_ With a small poof, she summoned everything she needed for the bathroom: vinegar, baking soda, 2 spray bottles, tobacco sauce, aluminum sulfide, flour and spray paint. She set her traps in the bathroom, then headed to the bedroom. Another scroll and another pile of supplies: lye, crickets, raw eggs, fiberglass insulation powder, a bucket, and gentian violet. _This wouldn't be nearly as much fun without the chemicals Sakura got for me. It's really handy having an accomplice that works in a research lab. _She set her traps and carefully exited his rooms. Her smile was nothing short of evil as she imagined the chaos and misery she would be creating. _I just left him a few nice welcome home presents._ She inwardly smirked, then hid her grin. Outwardly, she was normal again until she passed the guard at the front gate. _Neji's really going to get it when he comes back from hiding._

* * *

Neji left Shikamaru's cloud watching spot, still lost in thought. At the first laugh, he snapped out of his daze and realized he was in public, and still looked ridiculous. After a quick check of his chakra stores he murmured words under his breath and cast a henge, creating the look of his normal self: pearly, pupil less eyes, long dark hair, and no words scrawled on his face in Anko's abominable handwriting. He reached out to open the door to his room, not aware that he was about to visit a personalized version of hell.


	8. Tenten's revenge

Disclaimer: I own many lovely reviews (Thank you all!), but not Naruto.

* * *

As the door to his room swung inwards, the lip of the bucket swung down and covered Neji in a thick dark liquid. One that dyed him purple when it came in contact with his skin. Gentian violet. Neji stood still for a moment before trying to wipe it from his eyes while heading for the bathroom. If he hadn't been so distracted he probably would have realized that this was exactly what Tenten planned for him to do. As he ripped the shower door open, the string trying the door handle and the handle of a spray bottle was pulled, spraying the unfortunate Hyuuga in aluminum sulfide. Neji choked, his eyes watering and stomach flipping at the unbearably nasty stench. He cut the string and stumbled into the shower, attempting to wash away the stink and gentian violet. He succeeded partially. The stink was diminished, though not erased, but the violet coloring of his skin was untouched.

He groaned at his reflection in the mirror, rubbing his purple hands into his purple forehead. _Tenten's actually going to kill me, isn't she? Just very slowly and painfully._ Neji had no doubts that this series of stunts was Tenten's work. No one else would have had easy access to his rooms. And he couldn't use his Byakugan to find all of them either, as Tenten would have known. There were mirrors inside all the walls so that anyone using their bloodline limit here would be blinded by all the reflections, a necessary part of a house where everyone had x-ray vision. Otherwise there would be no such thing as privacy. But right now, Neji would have preferred no privacy and the ability to see all the traps.

_She would have expected me to get clothes now. _Neji tied a small weight to the end of a string, and swung it, the object perfectly wrapping around the handle of his drawer. Carefully, Neji pulled the drawer open from a distance using the string. But nothing happened. Cautiously, Neji approached. There was no trap in his drawers, she had simply poured lye over all of them, the harsh chemical eating through the material until his clothes resembled Swiss cheese.

He then proceeded to examine each inch of the room, discovering a few raw eggs placed under his pillow so that when he lay down his bed would be covered in raw egg. He flushed the toilet before using it, just in case, and it overflowed spectacularly, the water in the bowl having been replaced by vinegar and baking soda having been put in the tank. He sprayed his deodorant into the sink, which was good, because it was Naruto Orange spray paint instead. He turned on the hair dryer over the trash can, and all the flour flew into the bucket. He examined the toilet paper. Upon careful consideration, he decided that it was slightly yellowed, and then realized that his hand tingled a little. _She put tobacco sauce on my toilet paper?_ He turned on his sink from a distance, but nothing happened. He opened his closet from a distance, nothing happened except he revealed more clothes that had been eaten away by lye. He examined everything, or at least he thought he had examined everything. Two tricks remained, undiscovered.

Neji smirked. _I avoided most of them, though she was quite inventive with her tricks._ He wasn't going to be happy with the two that remained. He carefully cast a henge of his normal appearance and exited his rooms, then the Hyuuga compound in search of clothes that didn't look like Swiss cheese. He bought them without mishap and dressed in them. He ate dinner with his family like nothing had happened, and they did not realize that anything had happened without their Byakugan.

But the Hyuugas got quite a surprise the next morning, because one of the tricks that Neji hadn't discovered was more chakra-suppressor on his bed sheets. In his sleep his chakra was leeched away and he was forced to appear as he really was: purple skinned in blotches, shoulder-length pink hair, and the words 'I stupid' written on each cheek.

Hiashi was torn between admiration for Tenten for being able to get the prodigy so well and horror at what she had done. _Perhaps now Neji will realize that she is someone strong and intelligent, suitable for a Hyuuga._

And one small trick remained as yet untriggered.


	9. forgiveness

Disclaimer: I still do not own Naruto

* * *

Neji cast his henge and waited. Just as Tenten knew all of his habits, he knew all of hers. The weapons store got new shipments every other Thursday. Today was Thursday, and the store didn't get any new merchandise last week, so Neji was waiting. Tenten should be coming any minute now. The weapons mistress of Konoha just couldn't resist the temptation to look at the newly arrived weapons. Not that she didn't already have enough of her own to open her own weapons store or supply a small army, but as she would say, "you can never have too many weapons." Neji felt her chakra signature faintly. She was still a ways out, but she was coming. He took a deep breath. When she stepped around the corner, he called her name softly. "Tenten."

To his surprise, she didn't attack him, she just muttered "What do _you_ want?"

What he wanted to ask was what had changed to make her stop attacking him, but he focused on his purpose in finding her. "I wanted to apologize for my actions. I was unaware of your feelings towards me. I did not think that you would consent to actually being my girlfriend which is why I asked you to pretend. I thought that if you were pretending I would have a chance to convince you that I really have feelings for you." While her brain was still scrambling to process everything that he had said, he stepped forwards and kissed her, gently. His lips were warm as they brushed against hers. It wasn't a demanding kiss or wildly passionate, but was more hesitant and apologetic.

At the feel of those lips, Tenten's brain shut down completely. The only thing she could feel was his mouth on hers and without even thinking about it, her head tilted slightly to give Neji better access. She put one hand on the back of his head to draw him in closer, and one of his hands settled at the small of her back. Her fingers dug into his hair and she was momentarily startled to find it fairly short until she remembered that she had bribed Anko to cut it. Then all coherent thoughts were lost again to the feel of Neji against her.

When the need for oxygen became overwhelming, Neji broke the kiss. After a few breaths taken look at each other intently, he asked "Will you be my real girlfriend?"

Instead of voicing her reply Tenten kissed him, but Neji didn't mind. He rather liked this form of an answer. He liked the feel of her lithe, muscular body pressed against his own, and her lips gently caressing his.

After a few more minutes kissing, Neji pulled away. "We will have to get the council's approval."

Tenten nodded solemnly, her euphoria fading. She gripped Neji's hand for comfort and they headed for the Hyuuga compound.

Tenten could feel her heart race as Neji knocked on the council room door. She had always hated the council. They were the symbol of the oppression Neji faced as a 'branch member.' Just the thought that they could kill Neji with one hand sign always made her stomach churn. A voice called "Enter." And the doors swung open to reveal the council seated around their table.

Though the council knew why Neji and Tenten were appearing before them, they waited for the couple to begin. Neji's voice was confident as he spoke. "You had advised me to seek a relationship with a woman and I have taken your advice to heart. I would like to present to you Tenten, my girlfriend."

Tenten could feel every eye on her, carefully examining every inch of her, but she stood her ground and forced herself to look at each councilmember in turn. If she was going to be with Neji, she was going to have to be able to deal with the council.

"Tenten, do you have a clan name?" asked one council member, already well aware of the answer, but wishing to hear her explanation.

Tenten held her head high in pride. "Though I was left as an infant on the steps of the orphanage with no name I now claim the name Buki as Weapons mistress of Konoha."

"What about your recent attempt to humiliate the Hyuuga clan?"

"That was not an attempt to humiliate the clan. It was more of a training exercise for Neji, to teach him that he is not untouchable and not to get overconfident." Tenten explained hurriedly.

"Think instead that Tenten has proved her worth. How many other females could have planned such an intricate and perfectly executed attack against me?" Neji asked the council.

"You may leave. We will now vote."

Tenten waited in the hall, hardly daring to breathe while Neji held her hand for comfort.

* * *

A/n: Buki means weapon in Japanese


	10. probation

Disclaimer: I stil do not own Naruto

* * *

Neji put his hand on Tenten's shoulder and she nearly jumped out of her skin. While he had been standing still, waiting for the council to announce its decision, Tenten had been on the verge of a breakdown. Her heart was racing, and her stomach was trying to do acrobatics. She just wanted to be with Neji. She had never wanted to be with anyone else, but what if they wouldn't let her? What if she wasn't good enough?

When his hand rested on her shoulder she gave him a weak smile. The doors creaked open. "There will be a one-month probationary period before the council will render any permanent decision."

"What will the decision be based upon?" Neji asked calmly, Tenten still fighting her nerves and thoughts of _I can't handle this. I couldn't even handle half an hour of waiting for them to reach a decision. How am I going to handle a month?_

"Her worthiness." One of the councilmembers answered in a tone of voice that made it obvious that they weren't going to tell what they were testing the couple for. With that, the council streamed past them.

"What do we do now?" she asked Neji, her voice tinged with panic.

"We act as the perfect couple." Neji replied calmly. "Will you accompany me to dinner tomorrow?"

"Of course. How fancy?" _I hate dresses, but I'll wear one if I have to in order to be with Neji._

"The Jade Garden. I will pick you up at 7?"

"Sure." Tenten's mind was still going a million miles a minute. _The Jade Garden, so a dress definitely. Do I even own a dress? And I don't think I have makeup either. I'm going to need Ino's help. If I try to put makeup on myself I'm going to look like a clown, and I don't think the council wants Neji to be with a clown. I'm really glad that the date is tomorrow and not tonight._

Seeing that his girlfriend was lost in thought, Neji guided her to the entrance of the Hyuuga complex. _Is girlfriend even the right word? Probationary girlfriend maybe? Or probationary girlfriend candidate? Stuck-up, overbearing council members._

"Tomorrow at 7." He reminded her. She nodded, her gaze still unfocused, and he briefly wondered whether she would have agreed to anything he had said.

Tenten headed for the Yamanaka flower shop on autopilot.

Three hours later, Tenten was wondering if Ino was really the person she should have gone to. The two kunoichi had different taste in clothes, to put it mildly. Tenten nearly wailed when she saw the next dress that Ino had pulled out for her friend to try on. It was lime green, and there was only about enough material for a scarf, despite the fact that it was supposedly a dress. _No way am I wearing that! The council would think I'm a whore! And I'd probably give Neji a heart attack!_

It took them another five hours to reach a decision but they finally had the winning outfit: black leather boots that almost came to Tenten's knees, a mid-thigh length skirt that was black and shot through with silver threads, accompanied by a silver shirt that caught the light when she moved and was more form-fitting than she was used to wearing. _I can't believe that took eight hours!_

"That was fun, wasn't it?" Ino asked cheerfully. Tenten just gave her a disbelieving stare. _Don't you mean that that was hell on earth?_

"And tomorrow, we can do your hair, and your makeup, and find cute accessories!" Ino squealed.

_Oh joy! Someone just put me out of my misery now! I'm not sure how much more of the council and Ino I can take! Is Neji really worth this? Yes, but why does everything have to be so hard? And why am I holding an entire conversation with myself? It's official. I've gone crazy. _


	11. earrings and a scroll

A/N: Sorry for the delay. Real life got in the way. I will now be updating regularly again.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, in case no one had noticed.

* * *

Tenten was desperately trying not to run and hide from her friend. Ino was a great friend, she just tended to go overboard with anything fashion related. And preparing for a date was definitely fashion related. At the moment, the blonde was trying to convince her that the _giant_ silver earrings encrusted with sparkling rhinestones were in fashion and so she should be wearing them. Tenten just stared at them with horror. They were _huge!_ And gaudy. And, just utterly _hideous_. But telling Ino this would just lead to yet another fashion argument. So she settled for "Why do I have to wear earrings? If I leave my hair down, no one will be able to see if I'm wearing them or not."

"Silly panda-chan! You can't have a date without earrings!"

_I can't? But what if I really, really want to?_ She looked in disgust at the earring table. Most of the earrings were hideous. Nauseatingly so. "Wouldn't really complex earrings distract from the outfit we picked out yesterday?" she made up. She really didn't care, but she wanted to avoid those ghastly blobs of glitter that were masquerading as earrings.

"I guess so." Tenten wanted to sigh in relief until Ino continued her thoughts "But simple earrings means we can do something exciting with your hair!" Tenten wanted to beat her head against the wall. _Someone just put me out of my misery!_

Tenten soon realized that her definition of "simple" greatly differed from Ino's. The earrings that the blonde was picking up now were definitely an improvement, but Tenten still thought they were mildly hideous.

An hour later, Tenten realized that she wasn't going to win this fight fairly. She agreed to the least objectionable of the earrings Ino had suggested, making plans in her head to slip a pair of unobtrusive earrings into her purse for the date and switch them when she left Ino's sight.

When Neji arrived at Tenten's house, he was slightly startled. The earrings were … not quite what he had thought Tenten would wear. Burying his surprise, he greeted her, extending his arm. She took it, and when they were out of sight of her house she pulled back on is arm to stop him. Puzzled he watched as she rooted through her small purse. His puzzlement vanished for the most part when she pulled out a pair of plain silver hoops, replacing the rhinestone-studded ones in her ears. She made a face, looking at the gaudy decorations in her hand. "Ino made me wear them." She muttered.

Neji nodded. "I was a little surprised to see you wearing them." He glanced over his date again. Without the earrings to distract him, he could see that she looked attractive, and told her so. "Also, I brought you a present, as is customary to do on a first date."

Tenten watched him curiously, wondering what it was. _It can't be flowers, or he would have given them to me at my apartment, where I could put them in water._

He extended his hand to her, a scroll in his palm. "What's in the scroll?" Tenten asked as she took it from him.

Neji looked at her blankly. "There is nothing in it. It is a scroll to store things in. I know you use them to store weapons. Lee ripped one of yours in training yesterday, so I thought you could use another."

"Uh, thanks." _How … practical… An empty scroll. Very romantic. Well, what did I expect from Neji. He's not exactly one for tenderness and sappy words._

"Shall we continue on to the restaurant?" Neji asked. He had tensed up almost imperceptibly when Tenten had not reacted with great enthusiasm to his gift. He had momentarily feared that she was going to overreact again and be out for his blood again, for what he had no clue. It was a very practical, logical gift. _Why can't she be logical?_ But she hadn't tried to attack him, and he decided to try to steer the conversation in a (hopefully) safer direction. Though seeing as she wasn't always logical, perhaps his assumption that dinner was a safer topic was not in actuality.

But Tenten took the change in conversation well, asking what the restaurant was like. She had heard of it, but never been inside. She tended to prefer lower-key places where she could hang out with her friends, but she didn't mind a little fancier for a date. She wondered why Neji seemed so nervous. Surely he had been on dates before, right? But she didn't comment on it, knowing that he would see his nerves as a weakness and would not want it pointed out. Instead, she tried to keep the conversation going, no easy task with Neji who wasn't exactly a chatterbox. She almost sighed in relief when they reached the restaurant. They could talk about the place and the food for a while, and maybe he would loosen up. Maybe.


	12. mine

Disclaimer: If anyone reading this thinks I own Naruto, then you obviously haven't seen the disclaimers in all the previous chapters, meaning you haven't read them, and you should go back and read them because otherwise this chapter will make no sense.

* * *

Seeing Neji, the waiter at the front of the restaurant bowed deeply. "Hyuuga-san. Welcome. Your table is right this way." He led them to a secluded corner, and after bowing again, he left them with their menus, saying that their server would be right with them. Tenten didn't doubt this statement. People tended to bend over backwards for those high up in the Hyuuga clan.

"Hello. I am Naoto and I will be your server tonight. Can I start you off with drinks, sir?"

Neji glanced at Tenten, then said "We'll both have green tea."

The waiter bobbed his head furiously and sped off, chirping "I'll be right back with your drinks."

The silence was growing, and Tenten broke it, asking Neji if he knew what he wanted to order.

"Hn."

"Neji." Tenten's voice held a bit of warning in it. "This is a _date_. That means you are supposed to hold a _conversation_ with me, not just answer every question I ask with a monosyllabic answer. Surely you've been on dates before."

"Actually I haven't."

"This is your first date?" Tenten asked, incredulous. Neji just looked at her impassively, silently reminding her that he didn't like to repeat himself. "Oh. Um. Right."

Luckily for Tenten, their waiter reappeared with their drinks. "Are you ready to order?"

"I will have the Maguro Sashimi."

"And you, ma'am?"

"I'll have the Gyoza."

Their waiter scurried off, and an awkward silence fell. Neji, remembering that Tenten had been annoyed that he hadn't been talking enough, broke the oppressive silence. "What do people normally talk about on dates?"

"Um, normally their families, friends, jobs, or interests."

"All things that I already know about you and you already know about me. So what do people that already know each other talk about on a date?"

"I don't know. I'm not exactly an expert on dating."

Neji regarded her silently for a moment before asking "Then do you have anything you want to ask me?"

Tenten took a deep breath. There was something that she wanted to ask, but she had been afraid of souring the mood with, but seeing as the conversation was awkward and almost non-existent, she didn't think it could hurt. "The council put me on probation. How long do you think it will last?"

"I will not let them bully me into dumping you, if that is your underlying fear." He said calmly, taking her hand in his own. "I do not want to be with any other woman."

Tenten looked at him, eyes shining, a smile spreading across her face, and Neji thought he she had never looked more attractive than she did at that moment. _And she is mine. I will not let the council take her away from me. But I will deal with them tomorrow. Tonight I will focus on her. _Neji leaned across the table to brush his lips across hers, kissing her possessively. Tenten melted under his kiss, and when he broke it, he told her. "You are mine. And no council can change that."

Tenten looked at her love across the table. _And he may be arrogant and possessive, but he is mine. _

* * *

A/N: This is the last chapter. I hope you enjoyed it. Leave reviews if you did (or didn't; constructive criticism is welcome)


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